[info]switchaiyana

switchaiyana

cries out in ecstasy "Fuck Me”
[info]switchaiyana
May 10th, 10:24
Current Mood:
horny
As a single female in Salt Lake City Carmen dominated her own life. She now married identified as a lesbian but when single enjoyed the use of men to feed the hunger. Sex addicted and hungry she bated men into her bed, looking up through her eye lashes fingertip against her lips soft giggle and they were hers. Ripping the buttons off his pants reaching in and feeling him grow hard at her touch. She fucks him, she bites him, she rides him like a stallion on the surf and he cries out in ecstasy FUck ME! He pants, breathing deeply and slowly returns to his body with a shitty ass grin. She leans in kisses his sweaty lips and whispers when you’re ready see yourself out. Though she never orgasms the power exchange of dominating the sexiest and physically powerful men to begging little boys is enough to feed the sex addicted hunger. Yes she used him, yes it was empty and no he doesn’t complain they never complain.
 It’s the hunger that drives her, the power exchange and the primal surge hardens her clit and the switch is flipped. It is difficult to disconnect and dominate women they tend to linger followed by the uhaul by morning. On the nights she needed a "womens touch" Shed hit the clubs the brothels of the hungry. Its dark its mysterious and she can find the goddess of the night, back her against a dark corner, and she cries out in ecstasy "Fuck Me” and then disappear into the night leaving a blushing puddle.  
Carmen is married now to a Dominant zodiac and she has met her match. In the passenger seat to her spouses impenetrable drivers seat. NO longer in control of her life and sexual fix. She discovers sexual ecstasy the first time she made love to her spouse. She was now on the receiving end of sexual ecstasy and where she said go her lover said stay. It was so incredible 5,6 times a day on a slow day and for the first few months and she could not have asked for a better way to OD. Then the curse of the LBD took over and she was Jonesing for a fix anything to feed the hunger. She finds herself laying next to her snoring in blissful sleeping lover and lets her mind create the placebo to get her through the long months. In her mind she envisions the primal enthralls of her lover. She is overpowered thrown against the wall feeling her head crack safely against the concrete. Her clothing torn from her with body as her lover with great force rips her quivering thighs apart grips her ass tightly lifting her off the ground her legs gripping tightly as her lover searches like an animal in heat to find Carmen’s silky wetness. The intensity is enough to make her wet as she finds herself keeping the fantasy fresh in her mind and softly whispers upon the shallow and false release "Fuck Me".
With a small landfill of used batteries and fingers raw to the bone and the ecstasy embrace only a few times a year she wouldn't go back to the old Carmen to save her life.
Spirits and Guides
[info]switchaiyana
April 27th, 20:48
Current Mood:
reflective
         Sun 10:30 am I get a call from an assisted living(I never applied) and request an emediate interview at 1 that same day. I arrive and wait after several minutes they informed me that they do not have an application or any information for me. I fill out an application followed by an interview by two of the managers. They beemed through my interview like I was better then they could have anticipated. An hour later I was informed by a couple of my reffrences that they were called, gave me rave reviews and I have the final interview Tues at 4.  My angels and my spirit guide are with me walking beside me; I tell them what I need and with them at my side we can make anything possible. 
           I have been desperatly looking for a job, daily asking my guides and angels for help since the first of march 09. Dumpstering for food, pawning my belongings, selling plasma to put gas in the car and saving up to hopefully sell enough plasma to make rent. After the last few weeks of some very painful emotional healing I reached the light at the end of the emotional tunnel. At peace in the light my angels and guides (after my hard work) worked just as hard for me and I feel truly blessed. but Im getting ahead of myself let me explain.
             A few weeks ago an email was sent to a group of friends including myself. This email was one that hit a deep rooted pain that after years of self healing and growth; I thought was no longer there.
"I want to remind all of you that I asked permission from everyone to call them on their bullshit If I am going to be your friend I need to have faith in all of you. If I do not sugar coat the package, it should not stop you from realizing the potential truth in the things I say My response to all of you about that is get the fuck over it this isn't a weekend retreat! It's not a goddamned seminar!" Like I said from the begining,drop your bullshit, I don't want to waste my time being fake I want you to think about any issues you have with me. If the only issues you have with me is that I'm too forceful, too in your face, too cocky, too authoritative, not sensitive enough to people's feelings, etc..; as opposed to taking issue with me for not communicating well, not doing my part, not pulling my weight, not taking responsibility for my fuck ups; then you should take a deeper look at yourself as I feel you are being overly sensitive. I know I can be abrasive. I know I can be forceful. Get over it.I do not have the patience to coddle those who's mantra is "Whah, fuck my life hurts!" Guess what honey, everyone's life hurts, get over it."
                     I was furious and wanted to jump to my "families" defense  I was told not to defend, to let it go, don't make waves, you can't win so just bend over and take it. etc. It hit a deep rooted trigger I felt shame i didn't feel strong anymore that it was all a lie  i felt helpless I felt anger i felt unlovable and found many examples that proved i was unlovable I felt small and defenseless.  In our house phyiscal emotional sexual mental abuse you name it. It  was always that way  I was helpless I can take it against myself but friends and family I get almost black out protective I have to protect. I was an adult from birth daily responsible for a house full. I was  7or 8 years old and left with 9 foster boys and 2siblings while left "in my fathers care" and he took the good food mom purchased for the week she was going out of town and left me there by myself for the whole week to care for a house full. Keeping them busy so they don't interrupt the Nintendo or TV game. I was the defender the adult the parent for in my mind felt like my daddy my brothers my mommy and my sister. Don't tell anyone, appear happy, tell what wants to be heard not the truth. It was very unstable, who would  come home today, would what i was praised for yesterday be punished today. Always be on guard to protect the everyone from hurt. I have moved on and let go many many many triggers and heartache I thought i was fine now no more triggers no more pain. Then this! When friends and family are attacked I almost blackout defend. (it feels like)It becomes my life my breath my heartbeat i have to defend or die. If i fail I cant live with myself i crash. I crashed I decided I needed to address and move on from this trigger. I became consumed in it I had to establish am I addressing the trigger, the root and moving on or am I being consumed by it letting it take over my life under false pretenses.  I have up to this point relied on myself to heal. Not allowing anyone to in to see how fragile i really was. As of Dec of 08 I decided the only person being angry would effect was me not my father so i took the steps to let go and on my terms started communicating with him over email. It soon became phone calls and texts and we now have a pretty good relationship I am not small anymore I have taken the "parental" role in this reationship and i am impowered. When this trigger hit after a few weeks I decided it was time that I let him be apart of my growth and my healing. So I wrote him an email I explained the trigger where it stemmed from and addressed life with him as a child. It plesantly surprised me to recieve this:
Kim~

I appreciate the courage and strength this took. I know its not easy to face the demons of our past, and to challenge the triggers that keep us shackled. I salute and honor you for doing this.
I can understand your feelings, and your frustration and anger. While some of it I do not remember, I do not question that it happened. I don't remember the week that you had to care for the kids by yourself, but it sounds like hell for a child. While I do not remember it, I cannot say I was above such behavior at the time. I was a child, trying to pretend to be an adult, a man and a parent. I was wrong and I apologize.

I do remember the Nintendo game. I was selfish and childish. I was consumed with it, and was unable to attend to anything  else when it was out. That is why I have never bought a video game since. I just do not trust myself. I can have a cupboard full of alcohol, and a six pack of beer in the refrigerator, and never touch them. But if there is a video game in the house, I cannot resist it.

However, there is a bigger issue here. And that is my maturity and parenting skills when I was pretending to be your father. I was very immature, and placed unreasonable and unfair demands on you. I thought of you as my right hand helper, but in reality, you were more the parent than I ever was. Rob and Chelsea knew that if they needed anything, it was best to go to Kim. You were there for them, and I robbed you of the opportunity to be a child. Your shoulders were weighed down with adult responsibilities and chores, and you had little time to play and be childlike.

With love,
Dad
My angels and my spirit guide are with me walking beside me; I tell them what I need and with them at my side we can make anything possible.
My journey into finding my lion
[info]switchaiyana
April 15th, 0:16
Current Mood:
thankful

In the past trying to see my guide I get into the room I feel that it is near. An eagle wing covers my face hides my eyes. And I am unable to see anything but defined wings.

I started in a meditative state listening to brulé’s sacred praises, spirit horses etc. I left my body and felt the freedom of being without a shell. I flew around I saw the parking lot the road and cars I flew higher past the smog and into the night sky. I look bellow and saw the lights of the city, trees and the oceans. Higher and higher as a burst of light and I wiz past stars around the rings of Saturn around the sun feeling the warmth against my face. In the distance I see a black hole it’s incredible the swirling white surrounding hole that draws me in. I feel drawn to it and compelled to let it consume me. I without hesitation soar through its marvel. I burst through the other side and it’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen. The planets are large and spectacular brilliant colors and made of love and light. A planet pulls me in like a call home. I enter the planet and it feels welcoming and soothing no pollution or smog and the planet bursts with vibrant colors deep blue water crisp lush and green trees. It’s incredible as I sore through the mountains and the trees vibrant with pink and orange as the sun sets in the east welcoming in the 2 brilliant and large moons from the west. Everything is natural organic and beautiful but the large and breathtaking castle. I sore around the castle taking it all in. The windows all burst with stain glass. I fly around searching for an entry and see a double wooden door in the center pillar. I settle on the north tower that connects to the center pillar. I land on it and feel the cool stone beneath my feet. I follow the path to the center pillar and taking in the surroundings the wonder the beauty. I enter through the heavy double doors and walk through the cathedral ceiling hallway. The brilliant light filling the room with color, warmth and brilliance. Up ahead I see a spiral staircase leading down into a large room that awaits me. I follow the stairs case down taking in the brilliance and the light streaming in from the stain glass. The room is filled with rugs of every shape, size from Native American leathers to woven Indi rugs. I feel the different textures under my feet as I walk towards the hallway of doors and high vaulted ceilings. The hallway dark though I see every detail as I walk the long stretch past the doors of dark wood and metal handles. I see a spectacular and brilliant light coming from the door just ahead, As I stand before it the brilliant light I take a deep breath and push the heavy doors open. I enter the room that contains only a small bird in the corner. The heavy doors close behind me as though filling with gas a thick and powerful light fills the room a brilliant pink with streams of white and blue. The bird now gone I take in the light and open my heart and mind to what ever I may see in this room. I dark shadow of a man and large mass next to it walks towards me. The color dissolves into the background though still prevalent no longer consuming my room and mind. The figure becomes more defined and clear. A faceless Native American man walks towards me with his hand on the back of a large magnificent and beautiful lion. He presents the lion to me and disappears. I thank his for his guidance and love. I ask to be allowed to see him again and feel allowed to walk towards him. I approach the large and powerful lion and feel his hair tickle my face as he wraps his magnificent paw around my back and pulls me close I am consumed with heavy and powerful love that seems to ground me while his large paw and muscles tightly around me hearing a loud and loving purr escape out of his chest and into mine. I step back still feeling him consume me. He sits proudly in front of me chest out and face focused and strong. I need not ask what to do or say we understand each other. I can feel it becoming time to leave him and though I feel sadness to part from him I feel strong and confident that he is not going far. He looks me in the eyes and turns to walk away. With every step he rises up and dissolves into the stonewall. I collect myself as the light begins to dissolve and turn towards the double doors. I walk through the doors and the enter the hallway not really noticing much my mind and heart still in the room I begin up the staircase and exit the double doors leading me to star filled sky. The castle brilliantly lit up a brilliant white. The surrounding land dark barely lit up but the large almost yellow moons. The sky breathtaking with stars and large indescribable planet so close I could almost touch it just by reaching out. I step out to the ledge of the North tower and explode into the night’s sky. I am larger now somehow more brilliant myself. I sore through the night sky and into the atmosphere leaving the beautiful planet behind me. I make my way through black hole into our universe. I make my way to the planet my body calls home and find my way through mountains and city lights to my neighborhood. I fly through the parking lot and into my apartment and over my body. Exactly where I left it still breathing and still. I make my way over my body’s head and poor myself into it feeling like a melon squeezing through a mayo jar I take it easy not to throw myself into shock. My shoulders feel heavy my body now tight and full. It is hard to be back into a tight shell after being free. I come back my eyes taking too long to adjust. I weep uncontrollably missing my castle my guide my home away from home. I make my way to my book shelf and find the Animal speak book look up my lion. The first thing I read is that eagles are lions earthly opponent. I will not explain everything I discovered but I hope to learn as much as possible. I have a lion now on my wallpaper and a lion purr as a ring tone to remind me he is always with me
A nightmare of coming out
[info]switchaiyana
April 15th, 0:12

 Today's the day; Today's the day I tell her. What will I say? Oh god! What will she say?" Still in cloths from work I try unsuccessfully to find the words.  As usual I am sitting sideways in my favorite chair, knees up to my chin, toes buried in the cushions. Biting my nails almost to the bone.  Butterflies fill my stomach as loud knocking bursts me out of the fears of what if and into the fears of reality.
  My stepfather is here to take me my mothers for Sunday dinner, its time to go. Before I'm able to move I'm in the car and we've started down the canyon. "How was work? Did you have a good day? Carmen!  My stepfather's questions are just a distant mumble; I am unable to make sense of what he is saying let alone the desire to. I am lost in my thoughts, "Damn it, I am a grown woman why can't I just tell her... I know I'll find the right time.... Or maybe wait twenty-three more years. Why not? What's the hurry? No, she'll blow but soon accept it. Or never talk to me again."
 
 The butterflies are making me sick from anticipation. The minute hand crashes like thunder; it startles me enough to look up. "We're there, but only a minute past, it's at least an hour's drive" I look to driver's seat, He's gone. My puppy scooter is too. The car is cold from the night air. "It's dark and I'm alone." I shake it off and get out of the car. I know I'm walking but the house seems to be moving farther and farther away... "It's the stress playing games on me." I start running reaching out to the door.
 
 With a quick blink I'm in the kitchen sitting at the table eating dinner with scooter looking up at me from under the table. I manage a muffled "mom" (clear my throat) "MOM, um... I have something to tell you. (Long pause) Uh ...MOM... um... I'm gay. (Silence) I close my eyes and prey she understands.
 When I open my eyes I am naked and my uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents, friends, siblings and father have filled the room looking at me with disgust as if a foul stench has just entered the room. They all raise their figures pointing at me and in one commanding voice chant " WHORE... SLUT...SINNER...DEVIL WORSHIPER...FILTH."

 My father turns to my mother and says "I told you she was trash."  I try to speak but I can't even hear myself over their chants. The more I try to protest the louder they get. I clutch my ears praying to god "HELP; I need you."
 Then silence. They're gone. I'm no longer in my mother's kitchen but a literal cloud of light. A figure steps out. "God?" He hugs me and says "Oh my child" ...I reach out to him but he looks so sad. I step toward him falling into a whole. I begin to fall faster and faster down to the earth. Crashing through my Casket deeper and deeper into the infinite darkness.
   I painfully jolt awake, my heart pounding, my hair wet from sweat, the CD alarm playing my favorite gay pride song. I don't feel proud I feel scared and want to hide so I hit snooze and roll over. Feeling like I've been beaten, I collapse into the familiarity of my pillows and am comforted by the weight of my down comforter. It was a dream.
 

games
[info]switchaiyana
April 15th, 0:10
Current Mood:
mischievous

As kids we learned our greatest life lessons through play. We'd play house one always self proclaimed dictator decides who is what role, what they say and is open to rewritting the script at anytime . We play teacher, Mommy, barbies or beauty salon. We decide the rules, who we will be, we can pause and stop whenever we want. As we get older we are programmed to loose the childlike excitement for creating our own realities and programmed to fall in line look straight ahead and blindly believe what we are taught and to not ask questions.Free thinking is unacceptable. we are allowed simulations of our childlike escapes in expensive electronic form. Transported by movies, tv and game systems to a world of fantasy and make believe. Some find peace in that (sheeps of the flock ) "direct me lead me and I will follow" others rebell the only way they think they can(snapping turtles with hard shells) " ill dress act and speak with intent to shock. tell me to go left ill go right even if off a cliff to prove I chose my own way!" and my favorite the children at heart. Those that choose to open they're eyes and see the wonders around them . listen to birds and say a word of thanks for all they are given. They play as children do, creating realities they can step in and out of. roles they creat get lost in and explore. They have a spirituality and sense of connectivity with the universe. an understanding that we creat our world we can always grow and learn creat and become. put out what you take in and like dr emoto has proven energy and thoughts alone can change our lives and put us on our chosen path. The hardest part is harnessing ones inner power . To face yourself confront yourself all excuses asside. Most importantly learning to truly love yourself. See yourself as human grow where you can look to your spirit guides. I am aiyana (native american for eternally blooming) I am growing I am creating I am strong and I have only just begun.
     love light and leather Aiyana
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